Thursday, December 2, 2010

What were you thinking?

Why would you think it is okay to ask another female to "show you the girls"? It doesn't matter that she didn't. It doesn't matter that it was another guys girl. It doesn't matter that she was busted. What were you thinking? Oh and the fact that I got salty probably means that next time you do it, you just won't tell me. I swear it is getting harder and harder to trust.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Don't know what to believe

Sometimes I feel like everything is normal and we are just like we were 1 year ago. But there is something in me that says there is something wrong. I don't know if I am creating my own black hole. I just have this feeling that he is not with me anymore. I will never forget how he acted the first week he got home. His quote "I am just in transition" and "I guess we just got married and had kids too young". I mean I always thought we were in this together but lately I just feel alone. I feel so alone.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


So I am not sure if he is cheating or not. I confronted him about it and he said that she was just a good "friend" from his crew in Afghanistan. But the whole things seems to fucking shady. Like messaging all the time, I mean I have friends too but I am not on the edge of my seat waiting for the next message. The whole gym thing is so suspicious, like going at the exact same time every day. Lolligagging till around 8:30ish then leaving. I am probably reading into things too much. I need to relax. I have to have trust right, that is what a marriage is based on. So I guess everything he is saying could be true but you know that feeling in the back of your head that won't go away, that maybe something is really wrong? Well I really can't get that fucker to go away.

So, about being a leper, well that is totally what I feel like. He isn't interested in having sex with me. I am not sure if it because I am pregnant and unattractive or if he is caught with some bitch. Or maybe it is combination of the two things. But I mean it even comes down to taking a fucking shower. He isn't interested in showering with me either. There is always some kind of excuse, like using the bathroom which takes the whole I'm in the shower, or gotta go smoke before I shower. Which is just weird because he has always been the one in the family to give people crap for smoking too much.
I really don't know what to think or do about anything right now. I am just trying to stay busy so my mind doesn't wonder too much but it is so hard when I am carrying his child and taking care of his daughter.

I can not wait till I can just go and drink and forget my troubles. Just a couple more days. I just have to keep telling myself that I will be able to go out and meet people soon without having the "mommy" label given to me automatically.

I wish I had friends I could chill with that didn't know or care that I was married with kids so that I could act a fool.

OH - PS: He is has been taking a shower for about 10 minutes without the water running. Hmmmmm, I wonder what is really going on? eBuddy - what a joke!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

Yep pretty sure he cheated on me. Awesome, it would explain alot.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Listening to Headphones

How awesome is it, that my husband and I are going to bed in the same bed both listening to headphones. Its pretty awesome. Why even bother? I really do not know. I feel so terrible for the baby I am carrying. Going to be born into the world with parents that rather listen to their own headphones than talk to each other. It is pretty funny when you actually think about it. We waited so long to be with each and now we can stand to sleep in the same together.

I guess that is how my life will be lived, trying to figure what I can do on my own to help pass time. What an awesome way to live. I think I am definitely going to back to work in September because there will be that to help pass time.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Wanted: Happiness

I can't sleep. This sucks. My husband is home and I should be so happy I am not. I am more sad or mad than happy these days. It is like he is a different person than when he left. I am pregnant and due at any moment and the only thing I wanted when he came home was for him to make me feel special for carrying his child and taking care of his little girl while he was away. But it seems like the only thing he wants to do it work, drink, or do his own thing. I feel like I am hasseling him to do anything family oriented. So I just want to stop. I just want to stop. I just want to stop. It doesn't seem to matter to him what I do so why bother. I will just do what I do while he is gone and then he can do his own thing. Then we will eventually realize that we shouldn't be together and get a divorce. He can then visit his kids on the weekend and focus on his career. I will then go back to work and be a mom. I will probably go back to work in September so that I build my own savings and do my own thing. I am tired of fighting like children. I just want to be happy again and I am not.