My favorite snow was when we drove back to Frostburg together and we did not want to go back. It was already snowing. We took the longest way back we could including driving on route 40. Well along the way we found a hunting overlook and pulled over. I remember making out together and we opened the moon roof in the 4 runner. We just held hands kissed and watched the snow fall. Every time it snows it brings me back to this.
I am so excited for this new opportunity at JHU. I hope that it will lead to more teaching opportunities at JHU and I hope to expand my friendships. I want to have friends outside the family that I can exclude Mike from and who I can vent to. I want a life outside this family. I think my problem is that I am not involved outside the family. We will see where this leads, it just may be the opportunity I need to move on and find a different situation where I don't feel like shit everyday.
For example - Woke up in the middle of the night because Kayla had an accident. Began thinking that his phone is not dead but actually met up with Nealie in CA and they are doing it up. I doubt that's the case but I never had thoughts like this before.......
Trust is a funny thing. Once gone, I don't think it can every be restored. We went to Disney for Christmas and things were going great until, I unintentionally discovered a text message to Nealie that said "Merry Christmas Sunshine". Why would he call another girl sunshine? He explained to me that it was her nickname within the crew while he was in Afghanistan but it still seems shady. When I read it, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It seems like things should not make you feel that way unless there is a reason.
Also when going through his email (I know not good possible psycho) I found emails where she sent him a pictures of her new shoes and explain "my toenails match". She got her hair done and sent him a picture in which she was not smiling he wrote back "nice hair but your smile is so stunning you should show it more blah some blah". It seems a little beyond friends. Also, why would you not send your new BFA a Christmas card of your family? Its seems like you should friends christmas cards.
I know I have not been the most honest person but only for small things. I can not believe he would lie to me about his BFA reunion. I know it was only him and the two females. It just seems if there wasn't a reason to lie then why would he lie. I really feel like he doesn't respect me anymore because if he respected me then he would not lie to me. So what do I do with a husband that doesn't respect me and one that I really don't trust?
I guess we work well together and we go through the motion but is that enough? Is there more than this marriage? Am I just over reacting or is there more than this? I love him so much but I don't think he loves me the same way anymore. I don't want to be alone, actually I want to be with him and be happy like things before he left. But I don't things will ever go back to that. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this either. I am just sad about everything. I wish he would tell me what really happened in Afghanistan so that I can stop speculating because really my imagination is going wild and it won't stop till he really talks to me about it.
PS - Our sex life is super lame. I don't know if it related but it really is so lame.