Trust

Trust is a funny thing. Once gone, I don't think it can every be restored. We went to Disney for Christmas and things were going great until, I unintentionally discovered a text message to Nealie that said "Merry Christmas Sunshine". Why would he call another girl sunshine? He explained to me that it was her nickname within the crew while he was in Afghanistan but it still seems shady. When I read it, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It seems like things should not make you feel that way unless there is a reason.

Also when going through his email (I know not good possible psycho) I found emails where she sent him a pictures of her new shoes and explain "my toenails match". She got her hair done and sent him a picture in which she was not smiling he wrote back "nice hair but your smile is so stunning you should show it more blah some blah". It seems a little beyond friends. Also, why would you not send your new BFA a Christmas card of your family? Its seems like you should friends christmas cards.

I know I have not been the most honest person but only for small things. I can not believe he would lie to me about his BFA reunion. I know it was only him and the two females. It just seems if there wasn't a reason to lie then why would he lie. I really feel like he doesn't respect me anymore because if he respected me then he would not lie to me. So what do I do with a husband that doesn't respect me and one that I really don't trust?

I guess we work well together and we go through the motion but is that enough? Is there more than this marriage? Am I just over reacting or is there more than this? I love him so much but I don't think he loves me the same way anymore. I don't want to be alone, actually I want to be with him and be happy like things before he left. But I don't things will ever go back to that. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this either. I am just sad about everything. I wish he would tell me what really happened in Afghanistan so that I can stop speculating because really my imagination is going wild and it won't stop till he really talks to me about it.

PS - Our sex life is super lame. I don't know if it related but it really is so lame.

What were you thinking?

Why would you think it is okay to ask another female to "show you the girls"? It doesn't matter that she didn't. It doesn't matter that it was another guys girl. It doesn't matter that she was busted. What were you thinking? Oh and the fact that I got salty probably means that next time you do it, you just won't tell me. I swear it is getting harder and harder to trust.

Don't know what to believe

Sometimes I feel like everything is normal and we are just like we were 1 year ago. But there is something in me that says there is something wrong. I don't know if I am creating my own black hole. I just have this feeling that he is not with me anymore. I will never forget how he acted the first week he got home. His quote "I am just in transition" and "I guess we just got married and had kids too young". I mean I always thought we were in this together but lately I just feel alone. I feel so alone.

Leper

So I am not sure if he is cheating or not. I confronted him about it and he said that she was just a good "friend" from his crew in Afghanistan. But the whole things seems to fucking shady. Like messaging all the time, I mean I have friends too but I am not on the edge of my seat waiting for the next message. The whole gym thing is so suspicious, like going at the exact same time every day. Lolligagging till around 8:30ish then leaving. I am probably reading into things too much. I need to relax. I have to have trust right, that is what a marriage is based on. So I guess everything he is saying could be true but you know that feeling in the back of your head that won't go away, that maybe something is really wrong? Well I really can't get that fucker to go away.

So, about being a leper, well that is totally what I feel like. He isn't interested in having sex with me. I am not sure if it because I am pregnant and unattractive or if he is caught with some bitch. Or maybe it is combination of the two things. But I mean it even comes down to taking a fucking shower. He isn't interested in showering with me either. There is always some kind of excuse, like using the bathroom which takes the whole I'm in the shower, or gotta go smoke before I shower. Which is just weird because he has always been the one in the family to give people crap for smoking too much.
I really don't know what to think or do about anything right now. I am just trying to stay busy so my mind doesn't wonder too much but it is so hard when I am carrying his child and taking care of his daughter.

I can not wait till I can just go and drink and forget my troubles. Just a couple more days. I just have to keep telling myself that I will be able to go out and meet people soon without having the "mommy" label given to me automatically.

I wish I had friends I could chill with that didn't know or care that I was married with kids so that I could act a fool.

OH - PS: He is has been taking a shower for about 10 minutes without the water running. Hmmmmm, I wonder what is really going on? eBuddy - what a joke!

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

Yep pretty sure he cheated on me. Awesome, it would explain alot.

Listening to Headphones

How awesome is it, that my husband and I are going to bed in the same bed both listening to headphones. Its pretty awesome. Why even bother? I really do not know. I feel so terrible for the baby I am carrying. Going to be born into the world with parents that rather listen to their own headphones than talk to each other. It is pretty funny when you actually think about it. We waited so long to be with each and now we can stand to sleep in the same together.

I guess that is how my life will be lived, trying to figure what I can do on my own to help pass time. What an awesome way to live. I think I am definitely going to back to work in September because there will be that to help pass time.

Wanted: Happiness

I can't sleep. This sucks. My husband is home and I should be so happy I am not. I am more sad or mad than happy these days. It is like he is a different person than when he left. I am pregnant and due at any moment and the only thing I wanted when he came home was for him to make me feel special for carrying his child and taking care of his little girl while he was away. But it seems like the only thing he wants to do it work, drink, or do his own thing. I feel like I am hasseling him to do anything family oriented. So I just want to stop. I just want to stop. I just want to stop. It doesn't seem to matter to him what I do so why bother. I will just do what I do while he is gone and then he can do his own thing. Then we will eventually realize that we shouldn't be together and get a divorce. He can then visit his kids on the weekend and focus on his career. I will then go back to work and be a mom. I will probably go back to work in September so that I build my own savings and do my own thing. I am tired of fighting like children. I just want to be happy again and I am not.